Terrasings.com - I Will Be A Hero

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How Do You Say Good-Bye To Half Your Soul?

You know, someone told me that once. And now I am being asked, no TOLD to do the same thing. But how do you say good-bye to someone that has half of you?

Everyone says let him go. Don't think about him, get out, take those numbers, have a ball and forget him. After all, he was the one that left right? Sure, logically I know that. My mind is screaming at my heart telling it to hate him but my heart just is so stubborn and refuses to let him go. My head says that it will make the pain go away, but my heart says the pain is worth it for the future that could be. I'm so exhausted from this inner turmoil. The two are fighting constantly and I can't get them to stop and live in harmony.

My head knows there is no chance for a future, after all how can I have a future with someone who won't even see me, won't talk to me, or even tell me why he left? How can I have a future with someone who lies about me behind my back just to let him look better and feel better about himself? Someone who never stands up for me, and holds me to such standards that it's impossible to reach? I can't be jealous but he gets mad at any guy who talks to me. I can't demand commitment but he can live in my home as though he gave it. I can't hurt his feelings though he hurts mine without even an apology. So how can I have a future with this man?

Because my heart loves him. My heart remembers the good things. His smile, his laugh. The way he held me as I cried. The way he rubbed my feet because they hurt...and then he'd tickle them just to hear me squeal. The way he tickled my neck with his facial hair and sprinkled me with soft kisses. The way he played with the girls and made them believe they could fly when he spun them around. And how he'd do silly things that would embarrass most men, just to see me smile and to hear me laugh. The way he'd stare into my eyes with such intensity and then hug me and tell me how much he loves me. So many reasons and more. How can I let those memories go? How can I tell my heart to stop doing what it's supposed to do?

Oh, I tried, I really did, but it did me no good. I just got sick to my stomach as my head told my heart to shuttup and think of all the things I was told that he said about me. And then my heart tells my mind to shuttup and remember all the things he said to me and the way his arms felt around me. And then I think about the many things that we never got to do! Movies we didn't watch, never did watch that Final Fantasy X he got me! The carnival, guess we won't be going! Disney! More vacations to St. Louis! Didn't go camping or fishing or hiking or anything that we ever planned! So who do I listen to, my mind or my heart? What do I do?

I do nothing, for there is nothing that I can do. He has moved on, like a storm and left my heart in his path as the debris. I cannot make him stay no matter how much I would love to have him by my side. I cannot convince him that we can do it the right way this time. Only he can make that decision and, well, I just don't know where his heart lies anymore... I don't know where it ever did. I didn't think I was asking for too much, just some reassurance, some security that he was in this together with me for life through the good times and the bad. Not demanding more from him than he was willing to give, but he made me believe that he wanted to give me more than he really did want. And that was my mistake. But was it my mistake or his? Will I ever get my answers? Will I ever get to speak my mind? Will I ever get a chance to say what I need to say?

Well, all the control is out of my hands now, and it has been for a long time. I just never noticed. So, my heart waits with hope and apprehension for what is to come and my mind is just sitting there waiting to tell it "I told you so."

So, how do I tell half my soul good-bye? I can't, I guess I'll just have the memories to haunt me and keep me warm for the rest of my life. Because my heart loves unconditionally and completely and will live broken for eternity rather than stop loving him.

May 11 2007 by Lady Alustria .•*¯`•.Be My Hero....Leave Me A Comment.•*¯`•.(0)